If there is one facet of my newly-married life that I did not expect, it's the lonliness.
It never occurs to me how lonely I am in the day-to-day, happily cleaning my little space, working my little job and cooking our little meals. Don't get me wrong - it's not like I don't enjoy everything about the things I'm doing. I wholeheartedly do.
It never becomes obvious to me that I'm lonely at all until I participate in a social activity some sort, and I can see myself with my inner scrutiy, as it were, from the outside. That's when I become painfully aware that my behaviour reflects incredibly nerdy, manic hyperactivity. I'm positiely starving for contact with human beings. It's shameful I tell you. SHAMEFUL.
Now, I was always talkative and overzealous for social interaction: you should see the family videos displaying Emily Anne at the ages of 2 and 3. They're downright scary. But DARNIT . . . I thought I'd grown out of that.
For instance, when I was at college, I more frequently witnessed myself lying back, relaxing, and just letting social activity "happen", as it were. It was, overall, a more successful way to socialize: I listened to others more often, and it gave everyone else a much more honest representation of my thoughts and personality. I *want* to go back to behaving that way . . . I know what will happen if I don't. I will continue to remain disconnected, socially adrift - and most of all very lonely. However, I have a hunch that the only reason I'm manic in the first place is precisely because I'm lonely.
If only I could break the cycle . . .
3 comments:
aww, em. i suppose it does you no good to say i know how you feel. it would be so lovely to have one or two girls to come over and do whatever in the kitchen and talk about whatever - substantial or not. right now i'm working hard to keep myself at an even "not really wanting anything so as to be content with what we have." but i know from previous experience that that will only last so long and the loneliness will have compounded itself. mmm look into getting skype and we'll have across the world chats over tea...
Thanks, hun. I miss being able to hang out with you, too - you're one of those people I could comfortably 'hang' with, along with Tasik, Kate, Marie and Bons. I miss you all terribly.
I'm thinking about taking a leap into social activity . . . my poor husband has just about had it with my being depressed (it seems to be the one mood of mine that he can't weather very well) and is within centimeters of making phone calls to plan things *for* me (and, as you know him, you know how dramatic a thing that is). So, rather than have a scarred hubby (the action of being so very a-typically extroverted would probably very negatively impact his psyche) I think I'm going to have to suck it up and get together with someone. Somehow.
-sigh-
welcome to the club.
I met my next door neighbor today. He used to work at the Circle K down the street. He worked there for 13 years and sold cigarettes to lots of TACers. He knows us as nicotine addicts.
He's the only individual I've interacted with who's NOT from TAC since I "moved out". Whoops, that's not true, there's that dude in my drafting class I talked to the other day. Then there was that time when I got into a conversation with my landlady's husband about the motorcycle he had for sale.
Yeah.
That's the sum total of my external social interaction for the last five months.
We are such sad excuses for human beings, I tell you.
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